Saturday, 13 April 2013
How to Live with Guys: PART TWO
I haven't posted for a while for two reasons, the first being funnier than the second. Reason number one: I managed to spill half a cup of tea all over my laptop's keyboard. Yes, it was tragic. Yes, I wanted to cry a little. And yes, I did get the mick taken out of me. Not that I learned from it, I'm drinking tea as we speak. Here I must say a big thank you to Kieran for helping me fulfil my computer needs.
The second reason is that I got to go home for two weeks, which was so great I can't even begin to explain. I got chocolate eggs up to my ears and got to spend over an hour in a car with a puppy. I can't ask for more than that.
It was while I was home that I got my first request for a blog post: "I really liked the How to Live with Guys post. Do another." So I thought - what the hell? I enjoyed writing it, and I definitely have enough material to write another!
1. ALL CONVERSATIONS WILL COME AROUND TO "BUFF"
Let it never be said that I cannot appreciate the male form. That could not be further from the truth. I, like most girls, appreciate the contribution of hot guys to movies, TV programmes, etc. But before living with guys, I never realised that they thought about buff almost as much as we do - just in a different way.
Kieran and I were reading Men's Health the other day, mainly because on the front cover it mentioned an article named "50 Fittest Men in Hollywood". I won't try to deny that I was hoping for some shirtless action, and I was not disappointed... But then it occurred to me that this article was in a men's magazine. Men are just as obsessed with hot and buff Hollywood men as girls are, but put it down to becoming buff, rather than drooling all over the place.
Then there's the at-home gym equipment, the protein shakes, the swapping of workout routines and the calorie counting, the complaining about guys who never work out their legs, the complaining about guys so buff they look like they're made of clouds, or pillows filled with cake mix, and the complaining about the guys who use steroids and are cheating their way to buffcake status. That and the fact that one day they will have saggy man boobs.
2. THEY WILL EAT MORE THAN YOU. THEY WILL NOT GET FAT.
Picture the scene: you're sitting at home, enjoying your Domino's pizza, getting ready to tear into the pepperoni and barbecue saucy goodness - and then the guys you live with will tell you exactly how many calories are in each slice before tucking in themselves. You are then left staring at both your pizza and your tummy, knowing that you now can't eat your pizza guilt-free.
They however, proceed to finish their large Meteor, no questions asked.
I fully understand that there is a valid argument here - they do more exercise, so they need more food. But surely there is some sort of limit? Bread makes you fat. So surely eating eight slices of it in a sitting will have some effect on you? Apparently not for these guys...
My lovely flatmates and I were comparing our Easter hauls, and Cooper told me he ate a Mars Bar, a Snickers and a Twix in one sitting.
I cannot even finish a whole Mars Bar.
If you want to find out more about this, I suggest that you search for Epic Meal Time on YouTube. They are the idols for men everywhere, with creations like this - The Giant Pizza Pocket Sandwich.
3. THEY CANNOT SHOP. END OF STORY.
Usually, shopping trips with Kieran go something like this:
"What do you think of this?"
"I dunno. It's alright."
"Well what about this?"
"Do you like anything in here?"
"It's okay, I guess."
"RIGHT. YOU ARE BUYING THIS SHIRT AND THESE JEANS. THEN WE ARE GOING HOME!"
A majority of the clothes that he owns are either handed down or bought for him buy other people. And I've realised that this is a phenomenon across the board with guys. They cannot shop, at all. When I go shopping, I know what colours match, I know what to wear with what, and I know what's good quality and what isn't. Guys just don't seem to have this ability.
I have a theory that suggests when a guy walks into a shop, he just hears the man-part of his brain asking "What should we have for dinner tonight?" or "Can I be bothered going to the gym after this?"
4. GOOGLE WILL ANSWER EVERY PROBLEM
Have a problem with the game you're playing? Just ask Google.
Don't know whether or not you can freeze and onion? Just ask Google.
Just feel a bit bored? Then type in things like "Why is my", "I feel like my", "I think I might be" into Google, and you will have a night filled with fun.
I've finally come to realise that there is no point in me asking them anything because I will inevitably be told the same thing. First will be the "Have you looked it up on Google?" and then there'll be the "I'll just type it into Google, hang on."
Gone are the days of general knowledge and trial and error.
Once again, if there are things I've forgotten from this list, I love to hear them. Hopefully someone out there is benefiting from my learning curve...